If your child is being bullied, you must step in, and step in now. If you don't complain to the school, for example, they will ignore the problem, even when a teacher or other staff member is the bully. And too often they are. I had an experienced high school teacher we were all terrified of, especially a classmate who had problems with his kidneys and urinary tract. The day finally came when the teacher refused to allow the boy to leave one more time to go to the restroom during class, and the urine went all over the floor. Do you think that child wasn't scarred for life? Do you think we didn't all hate that teacher's guts? It could have been any of us who were embarrassed like that, but no disciplinary action against the teacher was ever taken. If you don't complain to church officials, when that's where the abuse is taking place, your child may suffer irreparable damage. There is no stronger emotion than that of betrayal when spiritual trust has been destroyed. If officials do nothing, take whatever legal steps you have to take, to make them pay attention to you. You may need to move from the neighborhood while the case is making its way through the courts, but deal with it, Mom! Deal with it, Dad! You are the parents of your child; your church is not. Sometimes, children are bullied outside of school or church facilities but on the way to and from the buildings. It is still the school's or church's moral, if not legal, responsibility to do something about the offending child or children. The parents of the bully need to be called in and warned that their child is jeopardizing his own and their own future security. A suggestion that counseling may be in order will probably be rejected, but it should be made. At times it is obvious that the bullying child is being bullied at home, and a watchful eye should be kept for signs of abuse to her. Yes, bullies have been, and still often are girls, though the majority are boys. Children repeat what they learn. When a 3-year-old in my Sunday School class takes off his leather belt and begins hitting another child with the buckle end of it, you can bet I take the belt out of his hand. I return it to the highly embarrassed mother when she comes to pick him up. Don't beat your own children. It's wrong and the entire world will find out about it sooner or later! But if one of your children is a bully, don't let him or her get away with it. You are doing them no favors and, as they mature, they will become a danger to you, as well as to their siblings and others they meet. In 1982 I wrote an article for the Canadian magazine, Annals of St. Anne de Beaupr, in which I mentioned, along with other subjects, that we should be careful how much we interfere in our children's lives, so that we don't lead them to expect that someone will always be there to rescue them. I still believe that. However, times continue to change and bullying has increased, along with the world's deteriorating moral values. Even if your stepping in consists only of teaching your child how to defend herself, and how to avoid nasty confrontations, you must act. This is a time-honored parental responsibility. If your intervention is that of taking the topic to school administrators, then that should be done at the first signs of trouble. Don't wait until your child is physically hurt or emotionally devastated. In spite of what licensed child psychologists or pastors may tell you, sooner or later you will have to teach your children how to fight back, not just turn the other cheek, or run away. Someone will come along who is stronger or faster than they are, so teach them to kick and scratch and scream, whatever it takes to get away from a bully or kidnapper. You will need to channel any "passing phase" obnoxious childhood tantrums into proper expressions of indignation and outrage, when something inappropriate is being done to them, such as touching their private parts, or unwanted tickling. Children need to be taught to respect authority, but not at the expense of their own safety, their own innocence, or their dignity. If children reach adulthood before they run into a bully, perhaps an abusive employer, a conniving co-worker, or other empire builder, it will require verbal skills to stand up for themselves instead of punching out the guy or gal. Those skills are best taught at a young age, also, although they can be acquired the hard way. And while you're at it, teach them to keep their crap detectors turned on 24 hours a day. There's plenty of that flying around. Bullies are not just another challenge. They're a major life threat. 2003 Shirley Ann Parker Reprinted from The Corner Desk |
