"Adolescence, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Family. It's six year (sometimes longer) mission - To guide what once was a loving child, who is now mood-swings on legs, through the perilous journey of the teenage years and into young adulthood. Keeping your sanity intact is optional." Raising teenagers can be tough. That's one of the first things I say in my seminars for parents of teenagers. Usually that will cause a few people to have a look that says, "And I paid this guy for that tremendous insight?" Here's what I mean about what makes raising teenagers so tough. In my experience in family and parent counseling, the average 15 year old is 15 going on 25 and 15 going on 5, all at the same time. While we are accustomed to hearing about the 15 going on 25 part, we seldom consider the 15 going on five part. Here is what I believe happens. The average teenager takes the wisdom, intelligence and ability to argue well and rationally and combines it with the "I want what I want when I want it which is NOW!" attitude of the five year old and comes up with some extremely powerful manipulation. How did the teen years become so difficult anyway? Consider these quotes about the teenage years - "Why can't they be like we were, perfect in every way? What's the matter with kids today?" Lee Adams, Bye Bye Birdie "Everyone knows teenagers are not fit for normal society." Nick Nolte in Prince of Tides "Parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth." Peter Ustinov, Dear Me And my personal favorite - "A few years ago adolescence was a phase; then it became a profession; now it is a nationality." Donal Barr, Who Pushed Humpty Dumpty? By now I suppose almost everyone is familiar with the term dysfunctional family. While it does have it's place in our society, I'm not convinced it's always useful. At best, it's certainly over used. You can tell a term is over used when the politicians begin to use and when it becomes a skit on Saturday Night Live. While there are such things as dysfunctional families, most of the families I deal with are simply stuck. Here's what I mean by stuck. Remember the last time you got your car stuck in the mud or sand? If you were lucky you were able to get right out. If you are like most of us, you get stuck, keep spinning your wheels and dig deeper and deeper. Another example is how we behave in foreign countries. We'll ask someone, "Where is the bathroom?" They answer, "No habla ingles." To which we respond, "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?", as if saying it louder and slower will make us understood. A quick and easy way to understand the meaning of stuck is through the following saying, "You are stuck when you keep doing the same things over and over again and expect different results." I trust by now you have gotten the point about being stuck. Perhaps I am stuck on that term. Families can get stuck on big or little issues, and anything in between. In order for them to get unstuck, they have to do something different. Families have strength for change and growth One of the reasons I became a family therapist is because I believe there is a great deal of power within the family for change. Here are a few ideas for families to get unstuck and prevent getting stuck in the future. - Be informed about the world they live in. Do not make the assumption that it is just like the world you grew up in. It's not even close! When I was in high school in the mid-seventies, the worst thing we had to worry about were pot, disco and the occasional fist fight. Now kids have to contend, on a daily basis, with drugs, AIDS, violence, abuse, date rape, etc. Get to know their world. It's my personal theory that if parents really knew what was going on, there would be some kind of revolution. - To go along with the first suggestion, the best thing I ever heard from the anti-drug movement is "get involved with drugs before your kids do." Know what's out there. - Stay informed. Read books, go to seminars, talk teachers, guidance counselors, other parents. It was Erik Hoffer who said, "In times of change, learners inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves wonderfully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists. - Spend time with them. I've said this before and I'll keep saying it until it changes - the average American family spends just fourteen and a half minutes a day all together. - Get to know their friends. Then get to know the parents of their friends. It takes time, but it's very powerful and helpful. - Do something different. If what you have been doing is not working, it could quite easily be time for a change. Lastly, remember to pick your battles wisely. Every issue doesn't have to be a battle between parental control and teenage independence. Also remember that the ultimate mission and goal is to get them through this stage of life and launch them into the world as well functioning adults. Enjoy your journey. |
